Is social media good for your mental health?

Try asking your nervous system

Social media reflects back to us as the river reflects the trees. We can make conscious choices about what we want to see more of and the kinds of relationship we want to build.

Today is World Social Media Day – all about celebrating the connections and communities built thanks to technology my grandmother would have struggled to imagine. Yet, it is really a double-edged sword with potential to support and harm our mental health and well-being.

When you open your favourite social media how do you feel?

More connected? More alone?

Inspired? Inadequate?

Social media ... can be a beautiful tool that connects us to ourselves and others – and that can, simultaneously, tear us apart.

Feeling alone together

The paradox of social media is that it can be a beautiful tool that connects us to ourselves and others – and that can, simultaneously, tear us apart.

Social media can tear us apart from ourselves. I can think of countless young people struggling with their body image, deeply distressed by the constant comparison with others, finding themselves lacking. The young woman who started seeing ads for plastic surgery suggesting she had a nose job. Another telling me through tears how “thigh gaps” were coming back into fashion. Both struggling to see their own beauty against these unrealistic, undesirable, uninvited images. The constant flow of ideals shapes how we feel about ourselves and our bodies.

After years of teaching communication and anthropology, as well as counselling young people, I am all too familiar with the darker side of social media. The researcher Sherry Turkle has talked about how these digital worlds make us feel alone together.

What it means to be present has been changing. We can be physically with people, yet feel distant and lonely as we are drawn into connection with others through our ever-present devices. Focussed on our screens and the comfort of interactions we can control, we miss out on the beautiful messiness of being with and attuning with others.

As a therapist who draws on the body and nervous system as a goldmine for healing and well-being, I am conscious that we may be missing out on more than we think. We are social creatures wired for connection. At a distance - in both space and time - , we miss out on being with other nervous systems to attune to us, to support us as we grapple with regulating difficult emotions or to join with us as we celebrate the joys in life. These are skills that need to be nourished.

Last week, I attended a school concert with my older son (fast entering his teenage years). Like many of his age he was tempted to reach for his phone. I asked him to resist this and be present with me. What followed was a game of peekaboo with a baby in her mother’s arms. Smiles, giggles, eye contact, warmth. What else do we miss if we focus on screens not faces? (For the baby and me and my son).

How do you perceive screens? As a separation, or a point of connection, as we may touch and step into a pool of water. Are air and water separate? or different facets of the same earth we live on?

Yet, our world is changing. Younger generations experience the screen as a connection, rather than a separation; they live increasingly in an integrated phygital world (combining the physical and the digital). My own experience speaks to this apparent paradox. On the one hand, at a somatic experiencing workshop, held on Zoom in real time, I felt deep connection with my group mates and sensed their gentle, supporitve presence and connection, as they felt mine. I left the training energized with a warm heart feeling more connected to my colleagues in Bali, Dubai, South Africa and Spain. On the other hand, I can feel very alone with all those physically around me are on their phone. (Can you relate?)

We, as global nomads, focsussing on our screens, can also miss out on the experience of immersing ourselves in a new place, potentially prolonging the time it takes to settle into a new home.

Connection & community

For others, social media can be a valuable way to find their tribe and stay close to loved ones, wherever they are. I am grateful for connections with people I really care about that are, honestly, only maintained thanks to social media. Friends I have made in many countries over a lifetime of study and work in different countries. We can enjoy being held by our growing, global network of connections, as we move to a new place and begin to lay down roots.

For a while, I have tried to curate my own social media to fill it with glimmers. Content that resonates (read connections with “real” friends and family I love, capybaras, photos of glorious nature, insights into mental health and relationship).

Today, when I open Instagram, I feel warmth as I see the smiling face of a cousin I have not seen in person for many years attending a wedding with his partner. I feel inspired by a new painting by an artist I whose work I enjoy so much a print of her art now hangs on the wall in my office. And I smile looking at 30 seconds of baby lions (National Geographic) and an inspirational post by thestorytellerco. Yes, there are also some ads (of course!), some of which I ignore and some of which are relevant to me (local events, a new class in my local yoga studio).  Your social media stream likely looks very different to mine. How much of yours supports you and helps you feel good?

I don't know how social media is impacting your life; but, your nervous system does.

Choose joy and meaningful connection

As social media is always with us and here to stay, what can we do to make it a meaningful part of our lives? I would like to invite you to reflect on how to make your social media use based on conscious choices that serve your well-being. I don't know how social media is impacting your life; but, your nervous system certainly does. You might like to let its whispers guide you to more meaningful, fulfilling interactions - both on and off social media:

1.     Connecting with yourself

When you are drawn to use social media, what do you sense in your body? Are you going there because you are feeling bored or anxious? Are you turning to social media as a coping mechanism? or in lieu of in person interactions?

When you are using social media, does it support you to feel supported and connected? Which kinds of content resonate the most with you? (Think: warmth, expansion, calm, relaxation, grounding, excitement, laughter v. stressed, heart racing, restricted, tense, shortened breath).

Don’t judge yourself; the goal is to notice. And once you notice, consider if there is anything you want to adjust?

2.     Connecting with others

How can you find your tribe? Who is in your social media community at the moment? Are they “real” friends, people you have met in real life? Or others who inspire you and bring you ideas, wisdom, inspiration?

Do you crave more in person contact? How can you use social media to make like-minded connections in your local community?

3.     Consciously curate content

Does the content you see, overall, bring you joy and well-being? Whether that is entertainment, tips, learning more about the world and others, staying in touch with loved ones. Not all social media content will be joyous; perhaps we are also staying up to date on issues that we care about and connected with others who are passionate about the same cause. Are there any changes you would like to make that would enhance your experience of social media?

Social media can be a creative source of connection. The choices we make can help ensure it is doing us good, rather than tearing us apart.

I would love to hear how you feel about social media platforms. What continues to concern you? What are your tips to harnessing their power to support your mental health and well-being?

Some of my favourites

Photographs of nature that fill me with wonder and awe by @nev.in.color, @babaktafreshi and @rachstewartnz.

Compassionate art by @marcelle_panthere, @jessica.sansiquet.artiste and @athenacarey

Relationship tips from @estherperelofficial, @realterryreal, @gottmaninstitute and @sexwithemily

Information about healing trauma, the nervous system and self-care from @arielleschwartzboulder; self-compassion tips from neffselfcompassion.

Posts that just make me smile like @plumesofficiel who sings to animals with his deeply grounding voice and pink guitar.

If you struggle to feel connected - or if you want to get to know your nervous system better - , I would be honoured to support you. You are welcome to reach out for a free, introductory call.