"I know I shouldn't feel this way, but ......"

Listening to the whispers of your nervous system

If you think over the last day, what sticks out most in your mind? Moments of discomfort, conflict or challenge? Moments of joy, peace and connection?

In particular if we have lived through traumatic events or challenging times, we may be all the more attuned to any potential threats in our environment. This is perfectly natural - and part of our defense system. Our nervous system is constantly working - outside our conscious awareness - scanning the environment for any potential threats and launching a survival response (flight, fright, freeze) if it perceives the need. Rather like Rio here, scanning his environment for ducks, head up and ears pricked.

Surviving, not thriving

The nervous system has a built-in negativity bias. We are more likely to notice threats, as this is the best way we can be protected and stay alive. Your body is trying to keep you alive, not keep you happy. This is designed to be a good thing, but can also be tricky and exhausting, when, like an overzealous guard dog, we find ourselves all too often on high alert. Something in the environment - a facial expression, a tone of voice, a posture - may trigger the ghosts of traumas past and our body reacts almost as if the threat were still happening in the present.

We can't "think" ourselves better

Sometimes we may feel this as a kind of dissonance. Our 'thinking' brain "knows" that we "should not" feel scared/ anxious/ terrified in a given situation, yet we "do", absolutely feel exactly that. And then, sometimes, we make this worse by telling ourselves we are being illogical or silly by feeling this way.

I have heard this kind of frustration many times from clients in different variations. If they are smart and wise (which they are!), why can't they just think themselves better? Hearing these frustrations led me deeper into understanding the nervous sytem; rather than "out-thinking" our fears and anxieties, we need to feel and speak the language of the body.

Hold yourself gently

If this speaks to you, what can you do to start feeling with, rather than outthinking difficult sensations? You can start by holding yourself tenderly, observing and responding to your felt reality:

Notice with compassion

We can begin quite simply by noticing how we are feeling and compassionately validating our own experience.

"Part of me is feeling scared. I am noticing how my neck muscles are taught and my heart is racing."

"Part of me is feeling angry. My breath is caught in my throat and my jaw is tense."

Respond with care

If available to you, is there a gesture you can make to care for and comfort yourself as you notice you are feeling this way?

This could be something simple like:

• placing one hand over your heart and the other over your belly as you take a couple of slow deep breaths

• cuddling a beloved pet

• texting a trusted friend or family member for support

How does it feel to treat yourself tenderly in this way?

Some resources for you

Music is a powerful, healing resource for me and lately I have been listening a lot to the beautiful poetry in music of Martha Tilston. I wanted to share some of the lyrics of one of her more recent songs, appropriately called "Heal Yourself". (You can find her music via her website and on all the main platforms like Spotify and Apple Music):

“Heal yourself

Calm yourself

Look for the branches of an apple tree

Lay down low

Feed yourself

Grow yourself

Your gonna need to know yourself

To do all the good things you’re gonna do

Feel yourself

Reveal yourself

Maybe forgive yourself

Surely it’s time for you to thrive

Heal yourself

Free yourself

You know you can trust yourself

Remember you’re alive."

Deb Dana's book Anchored: How to Befriend Your Nervous System Using Polyvagal Theory is a wonderful, accessible guide to your nervous system, including many practical execrises that can be done alone or with support from a mental health professional.

I am honoured to work with clients as they move along their healing journey and gain greater self-understanding. If you feel that you need or would like some additional support, you are welcome to reach out to me for a free, initial call to see whether we are a good fit to work together.